(Jimmy Buffett reference)
I thought I was over all of this. June a year ago they said I had so many months to live, and then they admitted they were wrong, and I pretty much thought we were done with it.
But we never are, really. Every cough, every sore, every sniffle, every illness, makes us wonder if the Big Boy is back. It is not something to worry about. But we do. It does not take much.
A friend of mine on this site, a retired professional hockey player (she is an NHL survivor, so what else am I to think?) recently had a scary several weeks wondering if it had come back. She is not alone, of course. I would venture that most of us spend the rest of our lives after cancer wondering if it is coming back, depending, of course, on the cancer.
Me, I thought I would not worry about it after the first go-round. They took it, they cooked me, they marinated me, and it was time to move on and fuggedaboutit. The lung thing changed that.
I realized it was still lurking in there, inside of me, and that it might strike at any time. Cancer is, in that way, the ultimate terrorist. Like most survivors, I refuse to bow down to its demands, refuse to live in fear of it. Mostly.
Thursday I will see Onco Man to go over my CAT scan of last week. Friday, ENT man will stick his rubber flashlight down my nostril.
I am not saying that I am worried. I am not, really. Que Sera Sera, and all of that. Whatever will be will be.
It is what it is.
But let’s face it. Thursday, sometime Thursday, Onco Man will be handing out a sentence. I will be told that I will live, or I will be told that I will die. That is pretty awesome to contemplate, and it is no wonder that some people freak out every time they go to see Onco Man or whomever makes the pronouncements for them. It is no wonder that mammograms are scarier than just the physical part of it. It is no wonder that prostate exams are MUCH scarier for the physical part, but also for the mental aspects :).
(Clearly, though, it is a good idea to have those exams before you get to where I am, to where many of us on this site are. Avoid the cancer. It is not fun.)
In the meantime, I will find out Thursday how the CAT scan went. I am not worried about Friday so much. By then, I am pretty sure, I think, that I will have a fairly clear view of the future.